Confused

Honstly, I don't get it. I just never quite worked how you're supposed to make life work. When I was young I used to imagine that I was a Martian and came from another planet, now that I'm older I perhaps wonder if one of my parents were from another planet. It is like I missed out on a whole bunch of genetic programming that meant I just don't have the natural instincts that so many others seem to have.

 Money: I wasn't born with a silver spoon in my mouth. It was more of a nicely weighted quality stainless steel spoon. If you wanted a good start in life you really couldn't get much better than mine. No one expected that 5 years out of school I'd be unemployed and failed to complete any qualification.  It wouldn't be until I was thirty three that I'd finally have a full time job. That job ran it's course and with the prospect of me not only be increasingly unhappy at work but also working weekends and missing out almost entirely on seeing my school going daughter I looked for another job. After nearly a year of applying for different jobs and not getting any my wife went to work and I became Mr mum. My inability to earn enough money to pay our humble mortgage has locked my wife into an incredibly draining career and I hate myself for it.

Vocation: What do you want to do when you grow up? I so wish I had an answer to that question. I don't care what the answer is I just want it to be something. In the late 90's a film called "brassed off" was made it told the story of ex coal miners playing in a brass band after the mine was shut down. Anyway a team of people famously went on after the closure and helped people discover a new career or vocation. One of the people who headed up this team came to Australia and through some chance meetings I got to have several sessions with her to try and work my vocation, to find out what the colour of my parachute was. She was stumped, she said she had no ideas. Neither did I not only could I not tell what color my parachute was I felt like I was simply free falling to earth. Theology: For some reason, coincidence, fate or even the hand of God I became a Christian when I was about ten and started going to church. It's been great and it's been horrible. No matter how much I could see that my life would be better without church I hung on to it. I worked for the church even studied

Theology. The problem is there are rules about what you can and can't do and what you can and can't believe and how you're supposed to act. The problem is these rules are all implied and you kind of pick them up by osmosis if you are raised in a family in that particular Christian denomination. My problem is I wasn't raised like that I've moved from church group to church group evangelical, liberal, whatever and I've always been on the edge. And edge doesn't mean edgy and cool it means "this guy doesn't really get it" or this guy has too many unacceptable ideas

 Love: After being married and divorced you'd think I'd learn not to inflict myself on anyone. But I did and I'm married. I don't have a job so the wife works and my cooking and cleaning is mediocre at best. She works her arse off for very little reward and I feel trapped because I can't see a way to make it better. I deeply love her and our kids I just feel totally inadequate.

 Internet: Blogs, Facebook, Twitter. We live in an age where plenty of people are opiniated and really I'm fine with that. But, again there are these rules that I just didn't get told about where I have managed to offend family and friends just by expressing my opinion and not in a "if you disagree with me you're an idiot" kind of way. It was suggested I lost a job opportunity because of a blog I used to have so... Down it goes. Now my internet trail is pretty blank, Facebook has become as bland as all get get out and twitter is just a news feed.

 Somewhere there is a "Rules for life" book and I just didn't get it. By the time I'm eighty I might be able to produce a "how not to live life book".