Forty

At forty years of age I'd become an old man and in celebration I decided that I would not hold back on saying what I think. So I proceeded to express my utter disappointment in Australia's refugee policy, I blogged that I didn't think God doesn't answer prayers for car paring spaces, I was more vocal about my support for gay marriage. All pretty small stuff really.

So after complaints from a friend that I don't understand refugee policy, being told to go look for another church to attend (by the head pastor), having extended family members complain that I am always so negative and a closer family member wondering if I didn't get a job because of what I said in my blog, I'm wondering if I should just shut up and be quite again. I've removed all feeds from my (private) Facebook profile because that's just easier than unfriending people and I've closed my blog and I generally keep to myself about my opinions. It feels cold and isolated.

Anonymous

About ten years ago something happened. With the advent of blogs, Facebook and then Twitter people started saying what they think. This is when I started to get in trouble. I started to write about my political, religious and philosophical ideas I wrote about how I struggled with depression. To be clear I wasn't the sort of person who'd call people idiots if they held a different opinion to mine and I wouldn't write dramatic status updates about how I was going to kill myself or anything remotely like that. Instead I was liking or sharing the occasional article on an issue on Facebook or writing personal reflections on a religious or philosophical idea. Early on someone concluded after reading my blog that I wasn't really a Christian, this conclusion would also be reached by others later. I found out that what was really important was that I was a Christian like them. I've been told I don't really understand refugee issues. It was also suggested that i didn't get a job interview because of my blog (which didn't ever sight my name directly but I live in a small town so word could have got around). My opinions have just not been appropriate for the family I'm a part of, the faith I am in or the organisations I've worked for. I don't want to give those things up so I will remain silent and let people believe and hope that I am not who I actually am. I live in hope that one day things may change.

Hello

I am in my forties and while many of my peers have succesful careers and achieved many things I have done none of that. In short my life is a failure. I've worked full time for about six years of my life, I didn't finish a degree in something useful despite getting really close, but later finished an Arts degree in one of those Arts fields which is pretty close to useless. Right now I'm a stay at home dad not because my wife is a driven highly successful business woman but because I just can't earn enough money to pay the mortgage in our cheap arse suburb. I could easily tell people that I had a ten year debilitating battle with a heroin addiction and it would be totally believable, it would explain lots of things. But the truth is much worse. I've never had a drug addiction or cheated on my wife (The one who left or the one who's too loyal to leave). My life has just failed to get off the ground.

So, I'm starting a blog. I'm going to try and work my shit out. I'm going to leave something behind even if it is just a small collection of incoherent posts in the corner of the Internet that no one reads. I've blogged before but I told people about my blog and then I'd get advised not to say certain things. But I find writing therapeutic. So here I am an honest anonymous failure.